Words That Matter
In the hustle and bustle of our fast-paced world, it’s easy to lose sight of the positive, life-changing impact we can have on one another. Seemingly small gestures—a few words in a brief exchange—can have a significant impact.
Leslie, a long-term patient, provided a valuable illustration. Raised by a critical and demanding mother, she grew up without a sense of her own fundamental goodness. Over the course of therapy, she came to understand her many positive qualities, from kindness to empathy, thoughtfulness to self-reflection. Those qualities were reaffirmed in her mind’s eye when she was stopped at a funeral by a now grown-up niece. The niece described an exchange they had years ago on the ski slopes when she was still a child, during one of their annual family weekends in Colorado. “I'll never forget it,” the niece said. “We skied down a hard slope together—a slope that I wasn’t sure I could do. And then you stopped halfway down the run and pointed back the way I’d come. ‘Look up the mountain. Look at where you started and where you are now. Look at what you did. That's a hard slope.’”
Then she told Leslie: “Skiing down that slope with you, I learned that I could rely on myself when things were hard.”
Nearly thirty years later, her niece had recently found the courage to divorce her abusive husband. This is a wonderful example of the impact of just a few words—words that reassure, words that linger, words that can be relied upon in times of stress, words that build confidence, words that last a lifetime. These are the kinds of words that matter.
The world of science is filled with examples of the power of influence, a series of events so linked to one another that each initiates the next. A mechanical chain is illustrated by a line of dominoes falling after the first one has been pushed. A chemical chain is seen in a heap of wood burning after it has been kindled. Similarly, the splitting of atoms harnesses nuclear energy for the good. All are virtuous circles born of interdependence.
The notion of chain reactions is less frequently used to describe the impact of interactions and relationships between people. This is not surprising. Both the subtlety and complexity of impacts between humans can be difficult to trace, and hard science demands considerable rigor to prove a “cause and effect” relationship. But difficulties in precise identification around precipitating factors and outcomes should not prevent our gaining insight. With small acts of kindness, we all stand to improve each other’s state of being in the world. A single smile, a pat on the back, a loving glance, or well-timed words of encouragement, affection, or understanding are the kinds of small gestures that make a difference in the lives of others.
“Pay it forward” is a related concept that describes the behavior of a recipient of an act of kindness who extends a similar act of kindness to someone else, illustrating a similar domino effect, with kindness extending from one to another over time. Reactions to human care and concern suggest that one person's positive action can produce a variety of positive outcomes, like a pebble sending concentric waves across a pond’s still surface.
Importantly, each of us has the capacity to do or say some small something that can change the nature and direction of those with whom we have contact, reaffirming the potential for goodness and positive change. It is not uncommon for old patients to return to my practice for several sessions to check in, letting me know how the years have played out, or seeking consultation for the next new challenge. Through that experience, I have had the unique opportunity to see patients over a lifetime and have watched development as it ebbs and flows. In the course of that work, patients often link specific “words” to an outcome:
“What you said about my capacity for friendship changed how I saw myself.”
“What you observed about my work ethic helped me get through the day.”
“Your empathy helped me believe in my strengths.”
In some cases, I recollect our engagement rather distinctly. In others, I do not. How I formulated the intervention or whether I remembered it specifically is irrelevant. What matters is the recognition of the possibility of change—a realization that new narratives can be written, new self-concepts realized, and new patterns of interaction brought to life.
Several weeks ago, a now older couple stopped me in the grocery store and restated my findings from an evaluation of their child many, many years ago. It was an event that I no longer recall, but it was firmly fixed in their memories. Apparently, I identified the youngster’s weaknesses (which they reminded me came as “no surprise”), but they explained that I had also identified previously unrecognized, but substantial, strengths. Having worked to resolve his deficits, they helped their child harness the newly identified strengths. In that seemingly small, almost insignificant, perspective shift, his life course changed. Now happily married with a young baby, he is satisfied in a successful career. The identification of their son’s strengths set off a chain of reactions leading him on a productive and fulfilling path, one domino falling after the next.
Leslie's retelling of a meaningful moment on the ski slopes is a story for all of us, a reminder that lives can be helped, improved, reconfigured, rewritten, or redirected by a simple thought or gesture. Just a string of words captured in a small moment in time can take on a profound meaning in a lifetime ahead. The influence of each of us should not be underestimated. In most cases, no title or training is needed. Parent to child, husband to wife, friend to friend, teacher to student—there is the potential for positive change in small moments of connection.
Every day, we can all challenge ourselves to find and offer words that matter.