The Sizes and Shapes of Narcissism
Narcissists come in all sizes and shapes—or so it seems. The confusion can be seen in this common water cooler conversation: “If George is a narcissist, then Hannah can't be. They’re nothing alike.” George and Hannah may “look” different, but they possess the same psychological structures. Believe it or not, but if narcissists, the more nerdy, perfectionistic valedictorian has the same psychological structure as the popular football captain who can be controlling, manipulative, and prone to bullying others.
So how do you actually spot a narcissist? This list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a good starting place:
A narcissist…
needs recognition
believes they’re special
overestimates their skills and abilities
thinks far too highly of their own opinion
needs to be “right”
lacks interest in things that do not involve the self
becomes overly sensitive to real and perceived slights
idealizes and/or devalues others
expects special treatment
makes unrealistic demands
maintains superficial and exploitative relationships
fails to take responsibility for their behavior
blames others for errors and misunderstandings
lacks empathy
It’s important to remember, however, that all of these behaviors are just what is visible on the surface, like the tip of an iceberg. Underneath lies a fundamental flaw in their self-concept and self-esteem. Those structural defects make it difficult to build and sustain relationships, regulate emotions, and take in and process information accurately.
Unfortunately, these indicators are not always easy to spot. Different “appearances” among different “types” of narcissists make identification and diagnosis difficult. While seeming to defy common sense, the pathology underlying “flavors” of narcissism is the same. It is this pathology that makes engagement with a narcissist both inherently dangerous and, in the end, unresponsive to change.
Both clinicians and researchers have identified two major types of narcissists:
The vulnerable narcissist presents as more anxious, worried, and sensitive to criticism. The vulnerable type is often high-achieving and is less frequently recognized by the layperson.
The grandiose narcissist tends to be more flamboyant, charismatic, controlling, and manipulative. The grandiose type is often popular, socially prominent, and perceived to be a leader.
Although the vulnerable and the grandiose both suffer from the same impoverished sense of self, they present very differently:
Anxiety: The vulnerable is more anxious and the grandiose is less so.
Visibility: The vulnerable is more understated while the grandiose has a bigger presentation.
Volume: The vulnerable is quieter while the grandiose is louder.
Control: The vulnerable is softer showing less obvious control, while the grandiose evidences more obvious control.
Perfectionism: The vulnerable is more perfectionistic while the grandiose is less so.
Achievement: The vulnerable is high achieving generally while the grandiose demonstrates varied achievement levels.
Acting Out: The vulnerable is less prone to public acting out while the grandiose is more prone to do so.
Aggression: The vulnerable evidences quiet aggression while the grandiose demonstrates more obvious aggression.
Reaction to Indulgence: The vulnerable is more of an infantilized indulged child while the grandiose is more of an uncivilized indulged child.
Sensitivity: The vulnerable is thin skinned while the grandiose is more thick skinned.
Now you know why pointing out the narcissist at the office or on the playing field can be so challenging!
Despite all these differences, the grandiose and vulnerable narcissists both share the core three features:
self-importance
a sense of entitlement
disregard for others/lack of empathy
It is important to differentiate between these two broad types of narcissists, as misunderstanding and failure to identify them in a group or on a team can be costly.
In my clinical work, I have identified a number of subtypes within these broader categories, and although I wish I had the space to address them here, they’ll have to wait until a later blog post. Still, here’s a sneak peak of what you’ll be learning about in my upcoming blog series on narcissism:
the high achieving narcissist
the manipulative narcissist
the bully narcissist
the non-achieving narcissist
the daredevil narcissist
the closet narcissist
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More questions about narcissism? Send them on. I’m listening. And remember that showing warmth and acceptance of who a child really is helps grow healthy people and a healthy world.