The Narcissist’s ‘Not Really an Apology’ Apology
Have you ever had someone use words that seemed like an apology, but somehow you didn't feel better? Nothing felt resolved. Understanding seemed lacking. But you couldn't put your finger on what was missing or why you didn't feel the typical sense of relief.
In this case, you most likely experienced a ‘not really an apology’ apology.
There are a number of types of personalities that engage in this limited kind of exchange. Narcissists are one among them.
Here’s an example of a narcissist’s ‘not really an apology’ apology.
Edgar and Charlotte were friends at work. Both engineers, they’d sat side by side for over two decades. During that time, they shared their successes and disappointments in both their work and personal lives. Most notably, they shared events (both positive and negative) in the lives of their children. At Charlotte’s daughter’s wedding reception, Edgar pulled Charlotte aside and took it upon himself to comment on her daughter’s development over time. Identifying what he judged to be her previous “lack of humility” and “overconfidence in her opinions,” he stated that he hoped those issues were behind her. The following week at work, Charlotte confronted Edgar. She explained that bringing up her daughter's difficulties with her at the wedding reception had hurt her feelings.
Edgar followed up with a written apology. His words were defensive. He quibbled over the specific phrasing that he had used to describe the daughter’s issues. Edgar doubled down on his criticisms, explaining that he believed the daughter’s “lack of humility and overconfidence in her opinions” to have compromised her adjustment to date. He attempted to whitewash the exchange by focusing on what he believed was the daughter’s improved behavior at this point in her life. He then summarized their exchange as a “study in the difference between what was said, what was meant, and what was heard.” While Edgar paid lip service to an apology, Charlotte didn’t feel better.
Charlette’s experience is illustrative and not uncommon.
Here's what you can expect from a ‘not really an apology’ apology.
Reliance on Explanations = The narcissist is defensive. He tries to explain things away and offer rationalizations.
Emphasis on excuses = He blames external circumstances or other people for what happened.
Fault-finding in the facts of the exchange = He claims the other person in the relationship misperceived or misinterpreted his/their words or his/their actions.
Resistance to responsibility = He is either slow to take responsibility for his behavior or refuses to take any responsibility at all.
The underlying message from these varied defensive attitudes is clear—it is not the narcissist’s fault.
Here's what is lacking in the narcissist’s apology:
Inability to admit wrongdoing = The narcissist is reluctant to or cannot admit to wrongdoing. In the face of criticism, she must protect or defend her injured sense of self. For this reason, her focus turns immediately to herself (i.e., the wounded self). Often reasoning in extremes, the narcissist considers herself to be either exceptional or unworthy, and in either case lacks the ability to easily integrate mistakes or flaws.
Lack of adequate concern for the other = Sufficient concern for the other person or the relationship is lacking. Fundamentally, the narcissist lacks the capacity for a healthy, meaningful relationship. In other words, the fragility of her self-concept means that she lacks the ability to fully engage in the relationship.
Behavior predicated on self-protection = The narcissist is sensitive to slights or criticisms and situations that require apology. They are immediately caught up in protecting and inflating the self. When conflict is present, the narcissist will attempt to heal her own wounds over attending to the injury to the other. Protecting herself from the threat of a blow to her self-esteem, there is no emotional energy left over to attend to other things—and that includes the other person and the relationship as a whole.
A healthy apology is neither an explanation nor an excuse. It requires owning up to the pain that one person caused another. It’s healthy to take responsibility, regardless of argumentation around what was said, what was meant, or what was heard.
Why is this the case? A healthy apology springs from empathy and requires equal concern for the other. This is the foundation of a friendship that ensures health and allows forgiveness and repair, which can be relied upon over the course of a long relationship.
A ‘not really an apology’ apology may be a sign of narcissism and, as such, is a danger sign you shouldn’t ignore.
It requires further investigation to determine how narcissistic the person might be and if you need to modify the relationship. Interaction with narcissists can be emotionally painful, but setting firm limits with that person, as well as modifying your expectations of what they’re able to give, will help. Sometimes a relationship with a narcissist can become so unhealthy that you must limit or even restrict your contact with the person.
A secure, meaningful, and healthy relationship requires a capacity for empathy, understanding, and responsibility in both partners. This ability ensures that the friendship or relationship provides the contentment and satisfaction that are the hallmarks of emotional health. Small and insignificant as it might seem, a person’s capacity to provide a meaningful apology provides powerful insight into those subtle but essential life skills.
Want to learn more about narcissism? My upcoming book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Children, explores the beginning stages of narcissism and how parents and caregivers can prevent it. Click here to learn more.