Inattentive/Disengaged Parent Position

Doug is the CEO of a tech startup, on call 24-7. Even at the dinner table, he’s answering texts from his subordinates. His two young elementary age children, Josh and Sarah, have noticed he’s never really “there,” but their mother, Jane, instructs them that they must not bother him, since he is a very important person, then reminds the nanny to keep the children in line. This is usually said as she’s rushing out the door to her various volunteer positions—at the church, at the Junior League, and at whatever gala event can rope her into a leadership position. In fact, both parents seem to find most of their lives exist outside of the house, rather than in it. They are not necessarily ill-intentioned.  They love their children, but their focus is elsewhere. Both Josh and Sarah love their nanny Mara, but she’s leaving in the fall for a different job, and they’re both feeling a deep sense of loss that neither of them have the words to voice. Josh, starved for attention, becomes a pleaser, a practically perfect teacher’s pet and an easy target for manipulators. Sarah decides that negative attention is better than no attention at all, and delights in finding ways to get herself kicked out of school.  

Source: Robert Gonzales / Unsplash

Doug and Jane have adopted the inattentive/disengaged parent position, a type of parenting that has particularly negative outcomes for children. Popular media often depicts these types of parents as constantly lingering on the edge of poverty or suffering from addiction, depression, or serious mental illness.  However, this damaging parenting position can be adopted by people of all walks of life.

The Inattentive/Disengaged Parent:

Lack of Involvement + Criticism/Seen as Not Valuable

The inattentive/disengaged parenting position is most often identified by the parent’s lack of involvement along with an ongoing critical attitude. The parent’s command to be “seen and not heard” is a common refrain. These parents want children who behave, not kids who make demands on their time or attention, and they expect kids to generally take care of themselves. Such parents can appear cold and sometimes unfeeling. These parents demand a lot of their children, and they expect to be respected and obeyed.

Source: Sam Poullain / Unsplash

 The psychological consequences of inattention and neglect are profound. Children need to be consistently loved and celebrated as they are, and they need to be seen as valuable and worthy. They also need someone to show care and concern by spending time with them, especially through play and unstructured time. The parent who adopts the inattentive/disengaged position essentially starves the child of this needed psychological sustenance. Unfortunately, this parental position establishes for the child a dysfunctional model of love and relationships. If a person experiences a childhood barren of enough love and attention, they develop an absence of drive for connection. This often results in a lonely and solitary life.

The Negative Impact on the Child from the Inattentive/Disengaged Parenting Position =

Child Grows to Be Distant and Disengaged (most notably from relationships)

Children of those who adopt an inattentive/disengaged parenting posture react in different ways. While one child seeks attention through either positive or negative behaviors, a second type child becomes resigned to loneliness and retreats into solitary activities. A third type of child accepts the barrenness in his family home and looks outside of it for relationships. As you might imagine, this third type of child fares better in life, especially if kind, loving adults can help break the isolation and distance and provide alternate models of connection.  We can’t overemphasize the impact a loving teacher or caregiver can have on a neglected child’s life. Even growing up in the shadow of this damaging parenting position, there is always hope for positive development and healthy resiliency.

In my next blog post, we’ll be tackling the “Healthy Center,” or moderation parenting. Until then, know that I’m listening. And remember—the  best kinds of parents are not perfect, but they invest  consistent love and time in their relationship with their child.