Hovering/Directive Parent Position - High Expectations + Seen as Special/Special Treatment
You’ve seen them. The mom who emails her child’s teacher every week with a thousand questions. The dad who ties the shoes of his eight-year-old. The parents who intervene on the playground to “help” their child with an ordinary disagreement with another child. They are the helicopter parents. So why is this damaging? After all, they aren’t yelling insults or ignoring their kid, so is it really so bad?
Hovering/Directive Parent Position
(High Expectations + Seen as Special/Special Treatment)
Most hovering/directive parents have an inflated or grandiose view of the child. Little Jimmy is “special,” and the parent holds extremely high expectations that Jimmy will become the next President of the United States or the CEO of the next Google. He is expected to walk earlier than other children, read more readily, develop precociously, and ultimately outshine his classmates and peers in almost every arena. The child is over-valued, and the relationship is characterized by over-involvement of the parents and others.
So what happens when you expect too much of your child? Exceedingly high parental expectations translate into excessive structure and direction. The parent thinks this will help make little Suzie reach her exceptional potential. But these parents are very much about appearances. They aspire to have the perfect child and to be the perfect parent. That focus causes a lot of problems.
While some hovering parents discipline excessively, more typically, they exercise control through excessive direction. Jane gets to hear every evening how everything should be done, from hair brushing to the correct finger placement on the piano, and their focus is a specified goal, whether it be getting into Harvard, making a perfect score on the SAT, or receiving a college scholarship. There is a “right way” to do almost everything, and the parent feels compelled to share that knowledge.
The Negative Impact on the Child from the Hovering/Directive Parenting Position =
Child Develops a Superior/Perfectionistic/Better-Than Attitude (with either high or low achievement)
Having an inflated view of the child as special, while constantly over-parenting through both instruction and supervision encourages a sense of superiority in the child. The special child is, by definition, better than others, and therefore, deserves better treatment. Some mistake this as confidence, but there’s a big difference between “I feel good about myself” and “I’m better than everyone at this school.”
This type of parenting can rob your child of healthy, meaningful relationships. Successful relationships involve a mutuality of respect and contribution—Javier cares for his friend Josh even though Josh couldn’t get out of the first round of the spelling bee and fell flat on his face during the middle school musical. Children reared by helicopter parents, however, typically struggle in relationships. Suzie expects her friend Sarah to cater to her desires, since she considers her choices “better” than Sarah’s—Suzie picks better songs for the party, better movies to attend, and better people to add to their group. Superiority is an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or value and is always problematic in interpersonal relationships as healthy relationships require respect and power for both partners. If Suzie and Sarah establish a “narcissistic relationship” (characterized by a superior partner and an inferior, compliant one), Sarah may accept this for a period of time. However, most find the relationship tiresome, and, the friendship fades away.
Kids of hovering/directive parents become either really high achievers or rebellious underachievers. One type of child works for parental approval and responds to the parental push for excellence through perfectionism, although they usually have problems with anxiety. If sufficiently skilled, they might also become a truly high achiever. This child has assumed the special child/high achieving trajectory. Another type of child will resist the parental position, often resulting in underachievement. Rebelling against parental directives, these are children who claim they don’t care at all being on the honor roll or helping the team beat the town rival; never-the-less they still maintain a sense of being special and deserving of special treatment. The child has assumed the special child/low achieving trajectory. Both types of children develop in common a notion of superiority, believing that they are better than others and feeling justified in seeking and expecting special treatment.
Hovering/directive parents can change. They can find their way back to the healthy center. They can learn to support without indulging, love without adoring, and set age-appropriate limits.
Know I’m listening. And remember that we can all find a way to be our better selves.